What would I do without Gossip Girl?

or the Daily Intel recap the next day?! Get addicted.

Once, a very beautiful model told us about the time her eyes had been injured by a flash. She had to wear an eye mask and stay in her apartment for days, in utter darkness, like she was blind. It was hard, she told us, to feel her way around. She was always bumping her long gazellelike shins into everything, and didn’t know where anything was, and was probably peeing all over herself whenever she went to the bathroom — we don’t really know. For almost two years now, we’ve been watching the characters on Gossip Girl bumble around in that same darkness. It was only in last night’s episode that they finally were able to lift their masks and catch a glimpse, with their beautiful but crusted eyes, of the world and their place in it.

Dan, after a brief interlude of loneliness, realized he was put on this earth to squire around bitches. Jenny Humphrey, after attempting to relinquish the throne at Constance Billard, realized that she was destined to rule the school. Serena, after losing herself briefly in a publicity career, realized her true talents lay with just being, like, friends with people. And Blair, in a hysterical reaction to being the biggest dork at NYU, was fast becoming the upper-class version of the Wooderson character in Dazed and Confused at Constance Billard, before being reminded that she was Blair Waldorf, and Chuck Bass loved her.

More Real Than a Meltdown in the Bathroom at the Ziegfeld:
• For the first time this season, we found ourselves actually listening to what Gossip Girl herself was saying, and were happy to see that she had a role to play. We were happy when, as Jenny debated whether to wear that ridiculous chunky headband, GG let slip a double entendre. "Will she pick up where the old queen left off?" she asked. "Or strike out on her own?" Plus 3.

• Of course Dan would willfully not know who the star of Eternal Nights was, even if she was a sexy starlet. Plus 2, with another plus 4 for just the name Eternal Nights, and its "King Arthur but with vampires" premise.

• We love the "Everybody Loves a Player" T-shirt on the RPG all-star at the coffee shop. Plus 3, because it's just so right.

• Plus 2 for Blair's line, "I just need to know that, in this misbegotten corner of Manhattan, wealth, ambition, and moral laxity are still alive and well." But we’re not sure that "By the way, sandals are not shoes" is going to happen.

• Carmen, Celeste, and Jane are a little tougher-looking than their fragile, bitchy predecessors (who we miss, by the way), which is appropriate if they're going to be Jenny's minions. Also, they're clearly half-wits. ("OMGBSE"???) And Jane, particularly, looks like trouble. Plus 4 all around.

• Rufus does a great Lily impression. Plus 2, because he has to have something to practice when he's not knitting.

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